A lot of guys are totally turned on by porn. I’m not, and oy, I actually find it the biggest turnoff evar, I’d even go so far as to say I feel nauseous. Gay porn, straight porn, trans porn, weird porn … I find them all offputting (some more than others, obviously).

Now, I have no problem with people doing their “thing”, but personally I find it quite … dirty. I do masturbate, and I can get turned on by certain thoughts, but generally I actually find myself forcing myself to feel sexual when I’m actually not really feeling it. Add a partner to the mix, and … well, nothing happens.

And to be honest, all this does actually worry me.

I deeply struggle with my social difficulties, especially as of late. I get ignored by the apathetic, and it eats at me – I strike out at them in pathetic self-defence, but I willingly ignore those who have actively set out to hurt me.

I struggle without meaningly social contact. I now feel so foreign that it’s difficult to think of myself as human, is the face that stares back from the mirror real? I don’t feel like I belong, a piece of the wrong puzzle, the ugly duckling.

I’ve started contemplating taking medication to ease these feelings. I certainly don’t see anything improving as I currently am, I’ve only isolated myself further the past few months. It eats at me that I am the obvious problem, and I’m too weak to fix myself.

Well, I sorta officially have an apartment now. I start moving in in December, so I gotta buy furniture and stuff. Also wanna buy some art to individualize the place a bit.

Otherwise, I was supposed to start my belly dancing exam yesterday but I was too depressed cause of the events of late so I’ve pushed it till later. My belly dancing teacher has said she finds me amazing though, and that I shouldn’t let people like both my ex-girlfriend and ex-boyfriend drag me down. Hard to let go of people though, especially since I struggle to make friends.

Also … recently came across a webcomic about crossdressing, which is not normally my thing to read, but I liked this one for the most part. Check it out: http://heartgear.deviantart.com/gallery/#Material-Girl

So I was going to pick up my ex-girlfriend to go to the Halloween party. I got all dressed up, went outside and thought it was cool to be outside dressed as a girl without much concern about it, ride all the way to pick her up and then get abandoned via an SMS with no details as to why.

Yay me.

I started the evening pretty, but now I’m pretty much a wreck. I should actually expect it by now, there seems to be a very strong pattern of people abandoning me. I guess I somehow deserve it, karma or something a bit more mundane. Still I’m very sore, sore I trusted someone only to get let down, sore I have no friends anymore, sore that I have to now listen to other people have fun and party while I lie in bed crying, sore from shouting profanities to the world in general on my way back home, sore from crying, sore from trying. Sore. Bitter. Misanthrope.

How I will pick myself up now is beyond me. The voice in the back of my head is right: A nothing deserves nothing, and I’m certainly the biggest nothing ever.

Going to a Halloween party tomorrow with my ex-girlfriend. As a girl (duh)

Bored. Took that COGIATI test and came out with a score of 100 – which means I’m androgynous.

Then took the SAGE test and came out with 620, and a confused analysis saying I look, interact, and think feminine but I’m born male – am I intersexed? Well, not last time I checked.

Two tests. Two results.

After being half-in-half-out of a relationship for the past three weeks, I’m finally officially single again.

I put up a profile on some online dating thing, but I don’t really expect anything to come of it. I’m too insecure to contact people, and so far I’ve only been contacted by guys – which I’m not interested in. I suspect I should actually work on loving myself before I expect someone else to first though.

Otherwise, I have to leave my place by the end of November. So I really have to start looking for a new place and very soon. I was planning on getting a flat anyway, this just pushes me to do it.

Otherwise, I’ve been hanging out with my ex-girlfriend lately again. I’m not sure what’s going on between us, I think she genuinly only wants friendship but I’m a bit confused as to what I want from her.

Also I finally succeeded in installing Saint’s Row 2. And the game lets your character crossdress, so, duh I got a very femme looking guy running around in a skirt. I bought some heels for him, but I’ve stuck to having him wear pink Chuck’s, I wish I could find a pair!

I thought it was the end, it was instead another beginning.

Apologies for deleting all previous posts. I tried to destroy my past, with intent to destroy myself in the process. But I have regained clarity.