Haven’t updated in a while … yet again. Don’t really feel like going in depth in analyzing my life right now, but I’ll just share some recent events in my life.

• I still have a girlfriend … if I can call her that. I hug her, I kiss her, but I dunno  … I just feel like a special friend, which is OK.
• I’ve gone shopping with her yesterday and today (and tomorrow) … she’s really interested in learning my girl style and helping my get some more stuff. Which is cool and all … I’m just a little conflicted that she publicly keeps asking me about what kind of pantyhose I like and so forth. I doesn’t phase me much, but I am a shy guy and I don’t like other people starting to stare at me.
• My Mother was here for the past week, she helped me buy some furniture for my apartment.
• No plans for Xmas … I’m atheist for one, more importantly though: anti-social.

Played the role of Barbie for my belly dancing teacher.

Some of the outfits I wore:

• Schoolgirl type outfit with a corset
• Sparkly evening dress
• Wedding dress
• Red babydoll
• White lingerie with black gloves and bowler hat

She took some photos, I might upload a few depending on how they came out. I didn’t wear make-up or anything like that.

So, OK, I’ve moved into my new place for a little while now. It’s OK, I got no major complaints except that my parking is off-street and my car has already been broken into already. And even so, some other people continually use my parking space, so I’m currently “borrowing” some parking in the secure underground garage, until I get busted or something.

Otherwise, something unexpected … I guess I have a new relationship in the form of my ex-girlfriend. I hugged her goodbye, she wouldn’t let go, I kissed her and then stayed the night. Don’t know where this is going really, lots of complex things to consider.

Otherwise, I was supposed to play a bit of dress-up with my belly dancing teacher last Monday and she cancelled, so I’m doing that tomorrow. She wants me to wear her corset, which is funny cause my girlfriend has expressed a desire to see me in one, although … she’s into that scene.

Also neglected to mention, I’ve finished my belly dancing exam. I’ll have the results later this month.

I wish I had better news to write about, and I wish I was a more inspiring person, but I’m still very, very stuck. Lonely, mistrustful, paranoid, misanthrope, those are words to describe me by right now. And I know I shouldn’t really complain about my position when I haven’t done anything to change it as of late, but … like I said: I’m stuck.

So, anyway, I’m considering cutting my hair. I guess I very seriously subconsciously want to fit in more with the people around me.

Soooo … I got those wigs. The R10 one is really a human hair wig, so an incredible bargain! Yay, me. The other one isn’t how I expected it though, I’ll have to work on it to get it my style. I also now need wig stands or something like that! Damn, I’m becoming a drag princess!

On a more serious note, I’ve avoided a lot lately. I’ve avoided going to two work socials in the last two weeks, I guess I don’t get along with people at work really – the reason I guess is simply cause I don’t open myself to the people at work. I don’t really want to anyway, I’m guarded about who I let into my life – which is a somewhat incoherent statement for someone who throws his life and thoughts onto the internet.

Cool bananas. I ordered that wig … and I actually ordered another wig – a human hair wig for only R10!!! (That’s less than $1.5 for those on the other side of the Atlantic) I do wonder why so cheap, especially if it’s human hair, but if it’s a bust it’s so cheap I don’t care.

Otherwise some advice I was told by a drag queen’s husband: nobody can really hurt me, I’m the enabler.

When I watched Pink Floyd’s The Wall a while ago, I promised I’d try break the wall I was building around myself. Sad to say, a few months later, I’ve done nothing but solidify it, looking for any excuse I can to put another brick in my wall, any excuse to further isolate myself.

I’m a creature of conflicting habits, and some aspects of my dual personas drain me. I am an intensely private person, yet I am incredibly honest and open with some. This conflict creates stress for me cause it’s something of a lose-lose situation, I either keep myself distant and worry about being dishonest or “fake”, or I become sensitive to rejection when I share my thoughts with someone.

So, I went shopping today to try get outta my depression. Bought some new black converse hi-tops, just looked around for home stuff elsewhere … feelings: anxious, avoidant.

I also figured out how to make a skull cap of sorts from an extra pair of knee-high pantihose. It’s not rocket science or anything, but I just never bothered before. I still don’t really like my wig, and I’m still thinking of buying the other one … feelings: drag princess.

Also, here’s a pic of me … again. Practically 3-day stubble and my hair parted the other way somewhat inspired by an older Davey Havok look. I’m not keeping my hair that way … feelings: experimenting.

Also I have my belly dancing exam tomorrow… feelings: nervous.

<3

Of all the things to break me, I never thought it would be a guy. And actually, I refuse to let that happen.

Just had a decent workout (cause I’m getting a bit flabby ) and feeling better about myself and my control of my own destiny. I tried a homosexual relationship, I went against what I call the “Crossdresser company line” (more on that later maybe) by exploring my sexuality, as it turns out, it didn’t work out for me – so what?

It’s my ex-boyfriends mistake if he chooses to ignore me. I’m the one who went out my comfort zone, I’m the one who was open-minded enough to try something even though I didn’t think would work out, I’m the one who was accepting of the gay club lifestyle suddenly thrust onto me, I’m the one who was lied to, I’m the one who was never listened to, I’m the one who tried to end it properly, I’m the one who limited myself and made sacrifices to make him happy.

So, it sucks that I made a few “friends”, fake as they probably were to me, and then in one fell swoop I have everything taken away from me when I was being true to myself and others.

I’ll survive. I’ll be stronger.

And in retrospect I did like certain aspects of having a boyfriend. I liked being held by someone bigger, and I liked being around people who had “overcome” themselves (so to say), but ultimately these reasons weren’t strong enough to overshadow that the relationship felt deeply wrong for me.