Nervous

August 21, 2008 at 7:25 am (My life) (, , , , )

There’s some stuff I’m nervous about.
I’m nervous about buying a belly dancing outfit this weekend, cause not only will I be buying girl’s stuff, but I’ll be buying girl’s stuff at a trade fair with lots of people out in the open. I’m also nervous I’ll be horrible company to my belly dancing teacher.

I’m also nervous cause I guess I need to start communication with that crossdresser I’ve been in contact with – but I don’t know what to say or do now.

Oh, well.

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Belly dancing outfit

August 20, 2008 at 7:02 am (My life) (, , , , , )

The belly dancing lesson went fine, but the teacher is going to accompany me this weekend to buy an outfit. I guess she feels it’s time for me to get an outfit of my own, complete with skirt, shimmy belt and top.

I’m very lucky to have found people in my life who are supportive of me. :)

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GG Admirers?

August 20, 2008 at 6:59 am (My life) (, , , , , , )

Lately, a few genetic girls have been mailing me and making me a contact on my Flickr profile.

This is pretty cool for me cause it reminds me that not only guys dig the crossdressing, and that girls exist out there that would appreciate the whole me.

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A new thing to try

August 19, 2008 at 6:57 am (My life) (, , , , )

OK, the current new thing for me is meeting a fellow crossdresser. One has been in contact with me for a short while and wants some sort of friendship. I guess I’m willing to give it a try.

My previous experiences has been somewhat … lacking. Let’s just say I’m not comfortable being part of someone’s little secret. I don’t want to help hide a part of someone from a loved one. Since I’m also young I don’t want to hang around with insecure older guys. I understand they have the same problems as me, but I’m not the right guy to help them out with their issues. The strangest experience was when some guy wanted to use my flat for some crossdressing sex with a hooker!
Another fear I have is that someone will try and rape me. I’m not very strong so I don’t know how well I can handle myself in a situation like that, so I don’t want to take that risk.

Anyway, this guy has a girlfriend who likes his crossdressing, so that’s a positive start. We’ll see how this ends. Also he says he relates to my recent sexual experience, so maybe I can learn something from him.

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Still straight

August 18, 2008 at 7:09 am (My life) (, , , )

Well more than a few hours have gone since I wrote (and rewrote, and rewrote …) the last post and I’m not totally convinced I’m asexual yet. (Remember I don’t post as I write since I don’t have the internet at home)

I think I’m just not ready to be close to someone and that includes the ultimate closeness of sexual intimacy. I’m very much attracted to girls, but I’m also very anxious around people.
I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder so the pressure of performing in social situations (be that talking in a group or having sex) is pretty tough for me.

Simply put I have a long road ahead of me before I can let my hair down (and by that time my hair should have grown nicely :) )
Still I can’t pretend I’m not really angry with myself right now and feeling very down. :(

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My world is shook up

August 18, 2008 at 7:07 am (Introspective, My life) (, , , , , )

This weekend my world came crashing down. I couldn’t sexually please my girlfriend and so I had to let her go.
I got aroused enough to put on the condom, but once that was done I was in unchartered waters and I didn’t quite know what to do. It then took only a few seconds for me to lose all interest and kinda be left there hanging.
I then had to later tell her I wasn’t sexually aroused by her and that was the end of that.

This experience means (in order of increasingly likelihood) that I’m really gay, sexually anxious or asexual. It could also be that there wasn’t any chemistry between us.

Maybe I’m really sexually attracted to men, but I’m not attracted to them in any other way so that means the gay route is not a possibility for me.
The anxiety thing is a possibility. I was just going with the flow and had no problem getting an erection. It was only when I consciously realized I needed to sexually perform did things turn south.
The asexual thing is something I’ve felt for a long time but everyone I’ve told this to has dismissed it.

Well, now it’s kinda hard to ignore the argument for me being an asexual. I really wish I could just be “normal” and sexually perform with women or men, but it seems I can’t. The possibility that I can’t have sex with anyone leaves me sad and angry cause that means I’ll always be alone.

So what do I do now? Try again with another girl and possibly hurt her as well? Accept my fate as the eternal virgin lonely loner? Experiment with a man?
I really wish I didn’t have to consider these options. I feel like a complete freak.

A final note: my therapist said my problem may be caused by a lack of testosterone in my body. If this is the case I can say now that I won’t take testosterone to solve it. I already don’t like things like body hair and the like; I don’t want to exacerbate that.

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My sexuality

August 15, 2008 at 5:42 am (Introspective, My life) (, , , , )

I define myself as straight but I’d be lying if I said it was really just that simple.
Emotionally I’m very much attracted to girls. There is no doubt about that. I’m just not one of “the boys”. I guess I’m what they call a “cupcake” – that is a guy who just gets along easier with women.

Sexually is a little more complex. I’m also very much attracted to girls here, but I must admit some sort of feeling for other crossdressers. I’m not sure what the feeling is, and what it means though. The weird thing is I would probably find an encounter with another crossdresser interesting at the very least, even though I’m not interested in their physical “plumbing”. It’s just hard to fathom why. I mean I know I’m not gay, and that, like me, they are men – so what’s the deal?
In addition, the crossdressing itself has become a sort of sexual thing once again, which happened a while after I quit my medication. Which leaves me with more questions about myself.

Also when with my girlfriend I sometimes get an erection when we’re fooling around and sometimes I don’t. I think the main reason I sometimes don’t is cause I’m thinking too much about wanting to please her that my anxiety just takes over. Instead of letting go and going with what feels right I’m way too focused on giving her a good time and so I always have my eyes open, reading her every move and trying to respond appropriately. Score one for the little wooden boy though, it works beautifully – she really gets “wet” from our fooling around, but now she wants to have sex and I’m not sure I can just fake that…

It all gets me thinking about whether I’m really straight, or maybe asexual, or somewhere close to bisexual or just an amalgamation of all these (if that’s even possible).
Anyway, I might lose my virginity this weekend and maybe all my questions will then be answered.

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Back to healthy living

August 14, 2008 at 7:16 am (My life) (, , )

I’ve been a lazy boy. Every since I met my girlfriend I’ve neglected my exercises. So yesterday I got started again, and damn … I regret taking a break!
Also, lately I’ve been eating way more white bread. Tsk, tsk!
And to make matters worse I’ve been treating myself to a packet of popcorn during the weekends! Which isn’t a bad thing actually, it’s just I try to “treat” myself for good behavior, not lazy behavior!
And the cherry on the top remains my insatiable taste for muesli!

So it’s back to the old health routine for me! (Hey, I guess a male belly dancer’s gotta keep his figure! :) )

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Gold

August 14, 2008 at 7:15 am (Introspective, My life) (, , , , )

I wonder if I’ll ever be happy with the way I look crossdressed.
I guess it’s just a fact of nature that no matter how much effort I put into it, genetics is just against me.

Still, I wonder why I bother in the first place.
What’s my prize for looking exactly like a girl? More guys who want to sleep with me? I already have some guys who think I look great and I don’t crossdress for them.
Nah, my prize is my own happiness. For some reason I’m just happier the girlier I look. I get some internal joy from it.

I still have time to get better at my “craft” so the opportunity still exists for me to strike personal gold. Getting longer hair, possible make-up help from someone, better body hair control, and more flattering clothes are elements in my scheme to reach my “girl” plateau. :)

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Passing

August 13, 2008 at 7:24 am (Introspective, My life) (, , , , )

I guess every crossdresser wants to pass at some level as a girl, and I’m no different.
But I think there’s something very cool about not passing, but still looking damn great!
I hope I at least look awesome dressed as a girl even though I can never truly pass, and from the comments I’ve gotten, I guess I do.
Still, I think guys who can completely pass as girls are pretty awesome.

Anyway, since it’s impossible to jump from looking like a “normal” guy to a “normal” girl, I’m just happy exploring the middle ground. I look a little masculine as a girl, and a little feminine as a guy – and I’m happy with that. :)

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