Comfortably numb
So OK, here’s what I’ve been up to lately:
1) From my traffic stats I see someone from work used a link to this blog (again) and I guess that’s why I happily put another guy picture up of me last past. The reason I guess is that I don’t really care anymore, there’s nothing nobody can do even if they did really care in some way – which I’m highly sure no one does.
2) My brother was in Cape Town and I was with him a bit. Hard to talk to him though, I haven’t spoken to him in about six months and it’ll probably be at least a year before I see him again. I mourn the loss of my connection to my brother.
3) I spent the entire Saturday night in the arms of the hairdresser. No kissing, nothing sexual, just enjoying each other’s intimate company and talking until we fell asleep. I guess I’m “bi-sensual” now, cause I enjoyed it.
4) I’m also possibly going to a Bollywood themed party with him as his date. I’ll be going as a female belly dancer obviously. 
5) I watched Pink Floyd – The Wall, which was recommended by my belly dancing teacher. Pretty good movie.
That’s it…
Still suck at taking photos
I have a look that seems to ignite plenty of gay men’s imaginations.
Don’t see it, but anyway … here’s a self-portrait for vanity’s sake. I am part of the MySpace generation after all… (well, not exactly but I’m still unflappably narcissistic)
I ist Emo :[
I’m so emo! I know I have a friggin lot to offer but I’m so stuck on myself, tripping in the dark trying to find my way alone.
So I have no belly dancing for the next month and the same goes for therapy, so I’m pretty much alone and without anything to do. So I lost my composure and fell back into familiar habits – punching myself. So now I have a swollen cheek … nice. In addition I overdosed on headache pills to numb myself, double nice. I guess I have some bi-polar elements to me, cause at the time of writing I’m a bit more composed and making plans to counter my situation, or maybe that’s the pills.
Actually, the hairdresser has bi-polar so I’m hoping to talk to him about those elements of himself. He also quit his medication, so he understands me quitting mine. I actually also had my first gay dream recently – it was non-sexual, but still very much gay, so I’m planning on taking him up on his offer to “experiment” with an older safe guy who won’t judge. He’s said he doesn’t mind if I dress as a girl too.
And yeah, I can be so awesomely friggin great cause I mean I belly danced last night in a more revealing outfit and I have a way decent feminine figure and guys looking like girls is becoming way cooler in an alternative way.
“What happens next is up to you” to quote Mr. Fisher.
I’m addicted to GTA IV
I’m still playing GTA IV after like over 6 months of having the damn thing installed. I’m addicted – I have no problems with food, alcohol, smoking, or drugs but GTA IV is my daily fix of … something. OK, scratch the food thing – I’m addicted to muesli … and I ate 6 muffins in one go (urg) 
And the PC version rocks for one easy reason: mods! I’m hoping they’ll eventually release the expansion packs for the PC, but I’m hoping by that time my addiction to Liberty City will be cured.
Oh man, it’s kinda (actually very) sad that I’m exploring a virtual city and finding new things and basically ignoring the city I’m living in 
Still, I’m not actually exploring exploring, I’m mostly just finding stuff while on a rampage or causing general public disorder – something I’m not exactly at liberty to do in real life.
Aaaah… let me play some more.
Lactose! I curse thee!
So, yeah, I’ve been lactose intolerant for a few months now and absolutely hating it!
Well, I mean the cheese and milk thing is no problem for me – never liked either much. The problem is that spinach quiches seem to have lactose (the ones I buy at least), and I friggin love spinach quiche!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Weekend
I hung out with the hairdresser this weekend again, and this time he didn’t come onto me but we just talked about all sorts of stuff. I like him, he’s a really interesting and cool guy, and he’s said he finds me an intriguing person.
He also likes me cause I have similar taste in music to him, that is a love of 80s and 90s rock. He’s kinda tired of being around “queens” who are always listening to Cher, Liza Minnelli, etc.
Also he’s admitted he’s still attracted to me, but totally as a guy, which is why I like him. Had he only been interested in me as “Hilary” I wouldn’t really want to be around him. Not that he minds that part of me, he finds it interesting cause obviously I do things a little different to the drag queens.
So, yeah, I enjoy being around him. I also think I can learn so much about how to live a better and more interesting life from him. Gay friends for the win.
No boyfriend for me
Ok, well the thing with the hairdresser was fun for a while; it was nice that someone was interested in me and it was in interesting experience that opened my eyes a bit.
I haven’t seen him since that first time, and he kinda blew me off since then cause he’s feeling sick so I’m not sure when I’ll see him again, maybe this weekend, maybe not.
Thing is: it was an interesting experience and all, and I don’t regret it, but it made me fully realize I’m just not gay. I’m still not sure I’m straight though, at least not in the “vanilla” way.
Anyway, I’m still hoping I can sorta be friends with him, cause I think it’s cool having a guy friend who likes me as a guy, and who doesn’t mind that I crossdress at times. I mean he helps my hairdresser out, and he’s a drag queen. Also for some reason I like flirting with gay guys, it’s harmless fun.
And speaking of my hairdresser, he sounds like he’s lived a fun life, winning all the pageants when he was young, and even being the back shot of the legs in a pantyhose commercial. That’s pretty cool, and I try to take inspiration from people like him. Too bad I’m too old and too insecure to enter a pageant, would love to walk into work the next day with a sash and tiara (I’d first have to cheat to win though!)
In other “news”, I found a new brand of make-up that is inexpensive and really works great! It’s kinda aimed at young girls, and even though I’m approaching 25 I like to think of myself as still young at heart (and hopefully in looks 
)
Also I bought a new pair of heels in a store. I’ve done it before, but just wanted to report I had (yet again) no problem buying them.
Also my belly dancing teacher has offered to go shopping with me for stilettos, which would be cool.
My first gay experience (sorta)
I hung out with the hairdresser this weekend. I’m not going to go into details, but he came onto me and I let him fondle me. Nothing happened though, I was too nervous to have any arousal, and I cut him off when he wanted to give me a blowjob.
He said he’s gonna keep trying with me though, and I’m OK with that. Complacency problem on my part I’ve been told.
Real vs. fake hair
Went to the hairdresser Wednesday, and co-incidentally also picked up my wig.
I like what was done with my real hair. Unfortunately, the wig I got was a different colour than what I had ordered – I guess a problem you have to expect when buying online (not anytime soon for me).
I also don’t really like the styling of the wig (again different from what I ordered), but I guess I need to figure out a way to make it work … so it’s not a complete waste of money. Otherwise maybe I should get a backbone and ask for an exchange.
And my hairdresser has attempted to set me up with other hairdressers to try for friendship or something, which I’m willing to try.
And yes … I tend to look like I just got outta bed
