Belly dancing outfit
The belly dancing lesson went fine, but the teacher is going to accompany me this weekend to buy an outfit. I guess she feels it’s time for me to get an outfit of my own, complete with skirt, shimmy belt and top.
I’m very lucky to have found people in my life who are supportive of me. 
GG Admirers?
Lately, a few genetic girls have been mailing me and making me a contact on my Flickr profile.
This is pretty cool for me cause it reminds me that not only guys dig the crossdressing, and that girls exist out there that would appreciate the whole me.
A new thing to try
OK, the current new thing for me is meeting a fellow crossdresser. One has been in contact with me for a short while and wants some sort of friendship. I guess I’m willing to give it a try.
My previous experiences has been somewhat … lacking. Let’s just say I’m not comfortable being part of someone’s little secret. I don’t want to help hide a part of someone from a loved one. Since I’m also young I don’t want to hang around with insecure older guys. I understand they have the same problems as me, but I’m not the right guy to help them out with their issues. The strangest experience was when some guy wanted to use my flat for some crossdressing sex with a hooker!
Another fear I have is that someone will try and rape me. I’m not very strong so I don’t know how well I can handle myself in a situation like that, so I don’t want to take that risk.
Anyway, this guy has a girlfriend who likes his crossdressing, so that’s a positive start. We’ll see how this ends. Also he says he relates to my recent sexual experience, so maybe I can learn something from him.
Still straight
Well more than a few hours have gone since I wrote (and rewrote, and rewrote …) the last post and I’m not totally convinced I’m asexual yet. (Remember I don’t post as I write since I don’t have the internet at home)
I think I’m just not ready to be close to someone and that includes the ultimate closeness of sexual intimacy. I’m very much attracted to girls, but I’m also very anxious around people.
I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder so the pressure of performing in social situations (be that talking in a group or having sex) is pretty tough for me.
Simply put I have a long road ahead of me before I can let my hair down (and by that time my hair should have grown nicely )
Still I can’t pretend I’m not really angry with myself right now and feeling very down. 
My sexuality
I define myself as straight but I’d be lying if I said it was really just that simple.
Emotionally I’m very much attracted to girls. There is no doubt about that. I’m just not one of “the boys”. I guess I’m what they call a “cupcake” – that is a guy who just gets along easier with women.
Sexually is a little more complex. I’m also very much attracted to girls here, but I must admit some sort of feeling for other crossdressers. I’m not sure what the feeling is, and what it means though. The weird thing is I would probably find an encounter with another crossdresser interesting at the very least, even though I’m not interested in their physical “plumbing”. It’s just hard to fathom why. I mean I know I’m not gay, and that, like me, they are men – so what’s the deal?
In addition, the crossdressing itself has become a sort of sexual thing once again, which happened a while after I quit my medication. Which leaves me with more questions about myself.
Also when with my girlfriend I sometimes get an erection when we’re fooling around and sometimes I don’t. I think the main reason I sometimes don’t is cause I’m thinking too much about wanting to please her that my anxiety just takes over. Instead of letting go and going with what feels right I’m way too focused on giving her a good time and so I always have my eyes open, reading her every move and trying to respond appropriately. Score one for the little wooden boy though, it works beautifully – she really gets “wet” from our fooling around, but now she wants to have sex and I’m not sure I can just fake that…
It all gets me thinking about whether I’m really straight, or maybe asexual, or somewhere close to bisexual or just an amalgamation of all these (if that’s even possible).
Anyway, I might lose my virginity this weekend and maybe all my questions will then be answered.
Back to healthy living
I’ve been a lazy boy. Every since I met my girlfriend I’ve neglected my exercises. So yesterday I got started again, and damn … I regret taking a break!
Also, lately I’ve been eating way more white bread. Tsk, tsk!
And to make matters worse I’ve been treating myself to a packet of popcorn during the weekends! Which isn’t a bad thing actually, it’s just I try to “treat” myself for good behavior, not lazy behavior!
And the cherry on the top remains my insatiable taste for muesli!
So it’s back to the old health routine for me! (Hey, I guess a male belly dancer’s gotta keep his figure! )
Gold
I wonder if I’ll ever be happy with the way I look crossdressed.
I guess it’s just a fact of nature that no matter how much effort I put into it, genetics is just against me.
Still, I wonder why I bother in the first place.
What’s my prize for looking exactly like a girl? More guys who want to sleep with me? I already have some guys who think I look great and I don’t crossdress for them.
Nah, my prize is my own happiness. For some reason I’m just happier the girlier I look. I get some internal joy from it.
I still have time to get better at my “craft” so the opportunity still exists for me to strike personal gold. Getting longer hair, possible make-up help from someone, better body hair control, and more flattering clothes are elements in my scheme to reach my “girl” plateau.
Passing
I guess every crossdresser wants to pass at some level as a girl, and I’m no different.
But I think there’s something very cool about not passing, but still looking damn great!
I hope I at least look awesome dressed as a girl even though I can never truly pass, and from the comments I’ve gotten, I guess I do.
Still, I think guys who can completely pass as girls are pretty awesome.
Anyway, since it’s impossible to jump from looking like a “normal” guy to a “normal” girl, I’m just happy exploring the middle ground. I look a little masculine as a girl, and a little feminine as a guy – and I’m happy with that.
