Wigs and some advice from a drag queen’s husband
Cool bananas. I ordered that wig … and I actually ordered another wig – a human hair wig for only R10!!! (That’s less than $1.5 for those on the other side of the Atlantic) I do wonder why so cheap, especially if it’s human hair, but if it’s a bust it’s so cheap I don’t care.
Otherwise some advice I was told by a drag queen’s husband: nobody can really hurt me, I’m the enabler.
Still building my wall
When I watched Pink Floyd’s The Wall a while ago, I promised I’d try break the wall I was building around myself. Sad to say, a few months later, I’ve done nothing but solidify it, looking for any excuse I can to put another brick in my wall, any excuse to further isolate myself.
I’m a creature of conflicting habits, and some aspects of my dual personas drain me. I am an intensely private person, yet I am incredibly honest and open with some. This conflict creates stress for me cause it’s something of a lose-lose situation, I either keep myself distant and worry about being dishonest or “fake”, or I become sensitive to rejection when I share my thoughts with someone.
wHATS NEw
So, I went shopping today to try get outta my depression. Bought some new black converse hi-tops, just looked around for home stuff elsewhere … feelings: anxious, avoidant.
I also figured out how to make a skull cap of sorts from an extra pair of knee-high pantihose. It’s not rocket science or anything, but I just never bothered before. I still don’t really like my wig, and I’m still thinking of buying the other one … feelings: drag princess.
Also, here’s a pic of me … again. Practically 3-day stubble and my hair parted the other way somewhat inspired by an older Davey Havok look. I’m not keeping my hair that way … feelings: experimenting.
Also I have my belly dancing exam tomorrow… feelings: nervous.
<3
Broken, can be fixed
Of all the things to break me, I never thought it would be a guy. And actually, I refuse to let that happen.
Just had a decent workout (cause I’m getting a bit flabby 
) and feeling better about myself and my control of my own destiny. I tried a homosexual relationship, I went against what I call the “Crossdresser company line” (more on that later maybe) by exploring my sexuality, as it turns out, it didn’t work out for me – so what?
It’s my ex-boyfriends mistake if he chooses to ignore me. I’m the one who went out my comfort zone, I’m the one who was open-minded enough to try something even though I didn’t think would work out, I’m the one who was accepting of the gay club lifestyle suddenly thrust onto me, I’m the one who was lied to, I’m the one who was never listened to, I’m the one who tried to end it properly, I’m the one who limited myself and made sacrifices to make him happy.
So, it sucks that I made a few “friends”, fake as they probably were to me, and then in one fell swoop I have everything taken away from me when I was being true to myself and others.
I’ll survive. I’ll be stronger.
And in retrospect I did like certain aspects of having a boyfriend. I liked being held by someone bigger, and I liked being around people who had “overcome” themselves (so to say), but ultimately these reasons weren’t strong enough to overshadow that the relationship felt deeply wrong for me.
Incomplete
I’m a little obsessive compulive regarding my crossdressing. While I may not actually let it rule my life, I do still find my thoughts lingering to how I can improve my wardrobe, appearance, etc.
Right now I have the following in eye: a leather jacket (which would look great in an adrogynous way in “guy” mode), 30’s style heels (which would obviously hopelessly fail in “guy” mode!), a wig that I hope may suit my style more (kinda emo andrgynous).
But I’ve been in this lifestyle for a while now, and I know I can buy stuff on whim and find it ultimately worthless to me. I’ve picked up on the fact that stuff that is a bit too girly or so-casual-it’s-boring isn’t really for me. When I crossdress I sometimes like to stay androgynous, and sometimes I like to represent an alternative girl. Knowing this, I now buy smarter. I know I hardly wear my girl outfits, so I don’t need much, but I’d like to have good quality stuff regardless.
Point of the title is, even though I hardly express my “feminine” self(especially publically), I still find myself thinking about it. Ultimately, I feel I would actually spend less time thinking about this stuff (and feeling guilty about it) if it were more societally acceptable to be “incomplete” – that is neither fully male nor female.
Wig I have my eye on...
2 Jobs … 1 Salary … No money
So, I took on some extra responsibilities at work with no income increase. Should be kinda fun though, proving myself to more people.
Otherwise, I move into my new apartments soon and it’s pretty obvious I’m gonna have monetary problems for a while. I gotta buy a bed, some decorative stuff, chairs, a couch, a display cabinet, and some other stuff too. Not all at once mind you, cause I’m gonna have to plan carefully to try get all this stuff while still somehow feeding myself – and it’s kinda unfunny that being vegetarian isn’t cheaper on the grocery bills. It would also be nice to get some better guys clothes. I thought about going “mature” for a while, but I’m gonna stick to boyish for now, I don’t need to be taken seriously.
Aaaaarg! Listen to me … job, buying furniture … how boring have I become
The ultimate turnoff
A lot of guys are totally turned on by porn. I’m not, and oy, I actually find it the biggest turnoff evar, I’d even go so far as to say I feel nauseous. Gay porn, straight porn, trans porn, weird porn … I find them all offputting (some more than others, obviously).
Now, I have no problem with people doing their “thing”, but personally I find it quite … dirty. I do masturbate, and I can get turned on by certain thoughts, but generally I actually find myself forcing myself to feel sexual when I’m actually not really feeling it. Add a partner to the mix, and … well, nothing happens.
And to be honest, all this does actually worry me.
